2012 in the eyes of a TiaraDitcher

January 21, 2012 - love.life. me. redefined. ...as I re-read this post, I could feel the pain coursing through my veins and the invevitable stab in the heart.  wow.  344 days ago and I feel like I am reading a story of the life of someone else.  another woman. another world. it was "her" story of obstacles, road blocks, brick walls and tragedy.  a divorce. a death. a loss of identity...and little did she know what the end of the year would have in store for her. a new love. the birth of a beautiful life. a new career. a solid sense of who she is and what she wants from this short and fragile life. 

to sum up 2012 in one word is tough but not impossible.  the common theme I have felt, day after day, week after week, month after month has been *triumph* ...I have confronted demons - dark, ugly, hateful parts of myself: triumph. I cleaned the skeletons out of the closet and made peace with my childhood and with people who may have not brought the brightest light to my life: triumph.  I have said goodbye to hatred and negative self-talk: triumph. although an extrovert, I have come out of my shell - sharing, wearing my heart more proudly on my sleeve and making new friends by putting it all out there: triumph. 

In 12 short months, I have experienced more than most people can fathom and will ever see in their lifetime.  Went through a divorce, bought a house, was fortunate to spend time with my 92 year old grandfather, ran a marathon with my sister, went on 8 vacations, stood up in a wedding, ran 6 marathons, completed my 5th Ironman, volunteered in Kona at the Ironman World Championships, jumped off a cliff, quit my job without having a job, turned 40 with not 1 but 2 surprise birthday parties, placed 3rd in my age group in a 5k, rode my bike up Mt. Evans AND Pikes Peak, hiked the Grand Canyon, and last but certainly not least "met someone UHmazing" that is more than just someone I hang out with.  ok, ok ... much more. and it's healthy.  Being known as the girl who doesn't brag or believe that any of this is a "big deal" (as it's my life), I really am kind of in awe. of myself?  For the first time in my life, I can step outside of myself and see my life through the eyes of an observer.  How does it feel?  Strange, foreign and unbelievable. It's hard to believe that this can really be someone's life... my. life. 

 I am already thinking about 2013.  Ok, not the year in its entirety as all I am really thinking about is what I will be doing at midnight, January 1st, 2013 as 'this chapter' is coming to a close. and you know what? I don't feel like finishing this book.  I can guess the ending and it's time to move on. a new book. a new story.  in which *I* will write. I will no longer allow for things to happen to me.  and what does the first chapter look like?  triumph. the main character?  A girl who has turned her life around and instead of waking up every day with pain in her heart, the first and only feeling is joy.  in its purest form. endless, strong and newly awakened joy. Thank you 2012 for teaching me all those life lessons in just 12 short months.  Thank you for bringing the most amazing and beautiful people into my life. and thank you for the gift of love. Impossible is nothing...at least to this TiaraDitcher...

TRIUMPH

reality.

These past few months I've been working on "homework." Switching gears from swimming, biking and running. I've spent a lot of time in the gym, and 2 days a week with a personal trainer who continually challenges me. He told me that I am one of his favorite clients [READ: BRAGGING] ...constantly letting me know how I work extremely hard...I never complain or say "I can't" as he throws heavy weight on machines that used to intimidate the hell out of me (the word can't is no longer in my vocabulary)... we are working on my power to weight ratio, increasing the weight I work with, achieving PR after PR. Crazy good stuff.
 

CONFESSION: When I was going through "transition" earlier this year, at 5' 9", I weighed in at a whopping 122lbs (note sarcasm)... I know what you're thinking, believe me I have heard it all..."you are SO thin", "I'm SO concerned about you", "you SO need to eat more"...and so on. I ate little and drank, a lot. That was my coping mechanism and of course there was Ironman training...12-21 hours a week of intense cardio. In August I weighed in at 125lbs at IM Louisville (slight progress)...and after spending the past 3 1/2 months in the gym, I'm in the ballpark of 133lbs (huge progress)...difficult to talk about? F**k yes. Empowering to share? Oh God yes. 

I felt like I was always defined by my weight- only loveable because I was thin...I have dealt with this painful misconception for [WAIT FOR IT] 24 years... *sigh* ...more than half my life. Since I can remember, if I was thin, I would get the attention I was yearning for. (For reasons undisclosed, it actually never dawned on me that someone may have actually cared about what was on the inside.) When I was 40lbs heavier in college, I craved attention - even when it was negative. As you can imagine, along with finally sharing this comes a huge amount of fear and shame...but I know I'm not alone, especially in the small bubble of endurance triathlon. Chrissie Wellington recently came out and shared her weight/eating issues and the pressure she put on herself, an idol and IM icon. Wow, how I could relate.

Tears well up as I write, reminisce, and come to terms with the plight of my past weight issues and struggles. Ultimately, I want to be loved...BUT it isn't until recently that I figured out by whom...I now realize that I just want to be loved by the most important person in the world...M.E. So many people love and care about me, why shouldn't I? For the past several months, I have made huge strides and am 95% *there* and am in "recovery"... rationality is finally rushing over me. I don't want to be the skinny girl anymore.  She was so unhappy! I just want to be me because the girl that I see in the mirror every day has actually never been happier.

I try to live and breathe positivity and start each day with a brand new attitude...life is all about second, third, fourth chances and if we're lucky, more...How brilliant that we are given a new gift every day when we simply...WAKE UP. Suzy Sunshine...yup, that's me as I wholeheartedly continue to live in the beautiful moments called my life...this is my reality. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle...but in doing so, it's what makes those beautiful moments so... beautiful.

Life lessons.

Here's a no-brainer ~ I have gone through serious change in the past 12 months.  Here is what I have learned from love / relationships, careers and weight gain / body image: 

1.  Love / Relationships 

• If it's broke - you might not be able to fix it - so trade it in for something brand new and shiny.
• Don't settle. EVER. 
• Take the high road.  It has less potholes. 
• Don't waste your time hating.  It's toxic.  
• I still believe in soul-mates, love at first sight and *the one*. 
• God gives us second chances for a reason. 
• Serendipity is the greatest gift.  
• I am a hopeful romantic. 
• If it feels right and it's easy, it's not to good to be true.  It IS true. 
• Once YOU stop looking for that someone, that someone will find YOU.  
• *All I want is to be adored. 

[*the best feeling in the world is when you (I) walk into a crowded room and that special someone (he) is looking right at you (me) and you (I) know that you are (I am) the only person in the world that person (he) adores!]

2. Careers 

• Don't settle. EVER. 
• If you go to work every day dull and lifeless, it's time to make change because there is no such thing as "it's too late." It's *never* too late.
• Mutual respect is not overrated. 
• You shouldn't have to constantly "Shout" out the bus tire marks from the back of your shirt, as getting run over by it over and over kind of sucks. 
• If your boss' idea of being generous is giving you HIS credit card to only buy HIS coffee while you sludge it out in the dead of winter for your own coffee, it's not generous. At all. 
• Micromanaging is definitely overrated. 
• It's pretty difficult to slam your door shut when you work in a cubicle. 
• Standing over my shoulder in an attempt to help me with something you asked me to do will not, and I repeat, will NOT, make me work faster. 
• There are lots of jobs out there, lots.  Stop using "there are no jobs" as an excuse. 
• Money isn't going to make me happy.  Being happy where I work regardless of how much I make is going to make me happy. 
• Empathy is kindly appreciated. 
• Finally getting to "stick it to the man" feels truly as amazing as you would imagine, if not more! 

3. Weight Gain / Body Image

• The number on the scale does not determine how much people will love me. 
• Being underweight doesn't make you pretty.  It makes you skinny and people get overly concerned about you and that's kind of annoying. 
• When someone tells you that you finally have a booty, say thank you.  It's a compliment. 
• Taking a hammer to your scale feels as good as it sounds. 
• Lifting more weight than the guy on the machine before or after you is incredibly gratifying. 
• Strong legs will enable you to get faster.  
• I am not 18 anymore so I don't have to maintain the same weight at 40. 
• List those damn size 26, ultra low-rise jeans on Ebay and get paid from the teenage girls that are the ones that should actually be wearing them (if there fathers let them that is.) I may or may not have 3 active listings. 
• Your body knows how much it should weigh so trust it.  It hasn't failed you yet - you're still alive, aren't you?  
• I am more fit and look better at 40 then I did at 20.  Being a late bloomer is actually pretty cool because with age comes wisdom. 
• Sexy is about attitude, not about pounds or measurements. 
• Mirrors can't show you what your beauty is truly made of because it can't reflect what's in your heart and soul.  
• I love my body. (ok,ok I'm still working on this one!)
• Our bodies are our temples and should be treated as such. 

I am grateful that I have had enough tough experiences to learn and grow each and every day.  Being happy is my number one priority and I don't have any reason to not be.  Attitude is everything and adjusting to life's every day challenges has become something I am getting really good at.  I believe, deep in my heart, that there is a life lesson to be learned in every experience. I am finding myself saying things like "So what" and "Who cares" a whole lot more. I can also honestly say that I. love. my. life.  (and all the people in it!) 

A day (or 3+ months) in the life of a soon-to-be employed triathlete...

109 days of unemployment will have ended and I will be returning to work on December 17th.  I am thrilled. motivated. excited. determined. rested. READY! Don't get me wrong, I have loved not working.  It has given me a chance to do so many things that I would otherwise ignore or not have had the opportunity TO do.  Let's see...

• There  was the 6 day trip to Hawaii, which included a weekend visit to Kona to watch and volunteer at the Ironman World Championships...an incredibly inspiring and humbling experience.  
• 2 weeks later, a nice 6 day jaunt to Cancun where I did a whole lot of nothing on the beach.  
• 3 weeks after that, a 9 day, 1800 mile Southwest Road Trip, hitting up Taos, Santa Fe and Albuquerque (New Mexico), Sedona and the Grand Canyon (Arizona), Moab (Utah), Fruita and Grand Junction (Colorado), landing in Aspen (Colorado) for Thanksgiving.  It was an action packed, highly active, absolute blast of a vacation!  And I may or may not have had the absolute best travel partner in the world, ever!!!  
• Next week...Sweet Home Chicago!  I will FINALLY have the chance to celebrate an early Christmas at my parent's for the first time in 10 years.  I am elated and fired up for some hometown TLC!

I've definitely knocked vacations out of the ballpark these past couple months.  I have also taken the time to address the old, nagging (18 months) hamstring/glute injury which has involved chiropractic work/massage/dry needling and acupuncture and throw in a little NLP for giggles.  I'm on the mend and am hopeful to be at 100% come the new year so I can start throwing down some faster (and painless) running times.  

I am spending a LOT of time in the weight room at the gym.  I am working with a personal trainer, 2x's a week, for more power and strength (hopefully in triathlon.)  I've gained almost 10lbs and have grown some inches in the hips and thighs.  and do you know what I say to that?  Faster bike!  It's an adjustment and although I am still lean, it's nice to see that I actually have a booty again that may or may not look damn fine in jeans!  

I  ran my 60th marathon in Boulder with some fantastic running partners.  I then turned 40 2 days later and had not 1, but 2 surprise birthday parties thrown for me.  To say I was emotional about that would be an understatement.  I am so grateful to have that kind of love from my friends and family!  

Well.....I guess I am all caught up now.  I look forward to closing this [rough] chapter in life as 2012 ends.  It has been filled with heartbreak, heartache, rebirth and rebuilding.  I feel like I am *finally* on solid ground for the first time in my life, and I have cleaned out the closet [people] and made room for a whole lot of bright and shiny things [positive energy.]  I met someone this fall who has shown me that there is a chance to feel excited again about being in a relationship and brings out the absolute best in me.  (It's drama and toxic-free!) 

I am hopeful and anxious to see what my future holds but for now I live solely in the moment, for in all actuality, that IS all I have... 

A day in the life of an *unemployed* triathlete...

Upon waking up, my immediate thought is always...what day is it?  And to figure this out, I have to think about what I might have done or possibly watched on tv the night before. For example the other day went like this... Oh right, it's Friday because last night was the season premier of Grey's Anatomy.  Except that I didn't know yesterday was Thursday and so I forgot to DVR Grey's. grr. I realized it after the fact, when I was at dinner, and saw a commercial for it during Thursday night football, which I didn't know even existed.  Shoot!

For those of you that don't know, I am currently unemployed.  By choice.  I made this critical and life-changing decision during the run at Ironman Louisville.  I was out there, suffering, along with 3,000+ people due to difficult weather conditions.  but I wasn't actually suffering.  I was having the BEST time of my life. For a little while I forgot about how crappy my job was.  How crappy the people I worked with had treated me for months.  Micro-managing me and not letting go of the fact that 8 months prior I went through the shittiest time of my life...but that time of my life was very prominently past me when it was announced in August that I was ranked number 22 out of 6,000+ assistants in the country. but that didn't matter. They just wouldn't let my past stay there. Whatever.  jerks.  So after careful consideration during what was my worst Ironman marathon finish time ever, along with my worst MARATHON finish time ever (out of 57 marathons at that time) ... I decided the pain and suffering of my race day was well worth it, and that my job was not.  After going to work every day, completely lifeless, heartless and souless, day after day for 12 years, I had ENOUGH.  Discussed this very important realization with my entire family, and with their (100%) support, I walked into work when I got back and told them I didn't want to waste their time anymore... and that enough was enough. Since they didn't want my [ridiculously amazing] skill set, I no longer wanted to bustmy ass for them... and so I was out of there.  After being asked to pack up my stuff and be out of there by 2pm, I gladly walked out with the greatest satisfaction *ever* and was finally able to "stick it to the man." I had dreamed about that moment for so long ... and so 32 days later, here I am.  not knowing what day it is.  not worrying about applying for a job yet. and happier than I have ever been in entire life.  

I wake up. I waste my early morning (as I still set my alarm for 6am daily) catching up on emails, walking my dogs, texting my employed friends (annoying the crap out of them) asking when they want to get together next,, talking to my little sister on the phone, searching for jobs (oh, not really) and planning my next vacation.  At some point late morning, I go to the gym and get on the stairmaster for 30 minutes, because let's face it, this single girl wants to rock out her butt in jeans.  After that, I hit the weight room for about an hour.  I go home, eat.  Tidy up the house.  Text more friends (severely annoyed at this point) to see how their career-filled day is.  Take care of any errands that didn't get addressed earlier in the day and then head out for a triathlete-related activity.  Adding another 1-3 hours of training time.  I am feeling pretty dang fit right now.  After that, I down a protein shake.  Text my (pissed off at this point) overly-exhausted working friends and then think about what's on tap for my evening.  Dinner with (now on the fence of my friendship) friends?  Chill out to some mindless tv?  Blog?  Read?  Go for another walk with the dogs?  Call my little sister again? - so much more nothingness to talk about (she stays home too with the girls)... Tell the universe I just want one cute boy to ask me out so I can go on a date in earlier referred to jeans and show off my well-worked out booty? (ok, maybe the universe actually listened and I may or may not have already been taken out by one VERY cute boy!) Paint my nails one of 27 different colors?  Go to bed early?  My options are endless.  

And so here I am.  I think it's Saturday.  How can I be sure?  I can text my friends and ask them how their work day is going and they can quickly respond - "DER. It's Saturday."  Awesome.  Not that it matters to me anyways because for now, every day is Saturday.  and with a big smile on my face, I get to decide my fate for that day, again...and revel in the fact that I am (temporarily) not governed by a world that works to live or lives to work...because right now, I LIVE to live... 

Connecting the dots.

Flashback 20 years... (ok, more like 30) ... you're bored out of your skull on a rainy afternoon. You tell your mom.  She says, "read a book"...uh, that is so BO-RING.  Then you hear, "If you're bored, YOU are boring." Oh, right - back to that again. You mosey down to the basement and grab a bunch of books... some Judy Blume, a Madlibs and a Connect the Dots activity book.  Hm.  Feeling not only bored but lazy, you rule out reading and writing.  What's left?  counting - that seems easy enough as  you grab a giant colored pencil and begin... The cool thing about this, is that the picture is somewhat laid out for you - you have an idea, a vision of what it's supposed to look like but you just need to fill in the details...

Flash forward 20 years, oh right, make that 30.  and here I am. Again. Bored. Trying to connect the dots... of my life.  I have an idea of what it's supposed to look like, rather, what I *want* it to look like, but it's missing a few details. Pretty much all of them actually...

I believe there are 3 major areas of our lives, that at any given time, can or are in a state of flux, with missing or shifting details.  Home life, work life, love life. Well, let's see here... um.  right. Yes, I got it, I got it...I DO have a home life, having bought this cute little place in the spring. It's my outline.  Now... how do I go about filling in the details?  For so long I was, for lack of a better word, BORED at work.  So I quit.  I wouldn't go so far as to say that my love life was boring, but it was definitely in a state of flux that left me wanting more, so I got divorced. I wiped the slate clean in all 3 major areas of my life within 1 year.  Holy shit. I actually just went out and bought a brand new gigantic colored pencil (pink of course), sharpened the tip and am ready to begin connecting the dots ...  

run. dream. live.

Feeling incredibly proud and fantastic after IMKY, I decided to ride the wave of those emotions and run the ADT Marathon in Colorado Springs...a mere 8 days later.  I knew it was going to be hard.  I knew it was going to hurt.  I knew people would think I'm crazy (and of course express that to me but why? Why can't I do what I love without being told such a negative thing?!) Anyways, I knew the post- Ironman depression was bound to set in...it always does...sometimes immediately...but I wasn't ready for it.  not yet. not after all the depression I was immersed in for the better part of the last year.  hence the last minute decision to run this marathon.

ADT Marathon, 9/3
It was a gorgeous and warm day and it started off well and my running was strong, but that began to change around mile 14, when I started walking.  It just gave me an opportunity to enjoy my beautiful surroundings and chat with the volunteers at the aid stations. I no longer have expectations or time goals that are unreasonable. I  know my limitations right now and I am OK with them.  I had an incredible running career in 2010, one of which I am so proud.  and I know I will get there again...but for now, I am grateful.  (thanks C.D.!)  Grateful for having a body which will allow my heart to be in charge for awhile.  Finishing under 5 hours was my goal that day and I did it. So happy! #58

Denver Marathon, September 9/22
Fast forward to the Denver marathon, which I ran yesterday.  Feeling better than the ADT but not 100%, I went in again with the mentality that I was going to have fun, smile and be the typical KJ that runs this distance.  What is typical?  Smiling - ear to ear, laughing, cracking jokes whenever I can to whomever will listen and being engaged with the spectators.  Especially the steaming hot FIREMEN that are along the route at just about every marathon... It was a gorgeous, cool morning and I was ready to see what I could do.  I also had a special treat along the way that I was really looking forward to - a friend was going to run with me in the back half of the race.  These kinds of gestures always bring people closer together and if you're able to talk (which I was because of my pace) during that time, you learn a lot about one another in such an intimate way.  My pacer ran a total of 8 miles with me, leaving me to be on my own at Mile 25, wherein my pace went from averaging 9:50-11 minute miles to 8:00s.  I guess it takes me 25 miles to warm up.  I really need to run a 50  miler one of these days for that very reason.  Anyways, the goal was 4:30 - again realizing my current limitations - and sure as hell, I finished in exactly 4 hours and 30 minutes with change.  So happy! #59

I have 2 big milestones coming up next month.  I'm turning 40 and I will be running my 60th marathon.  I had a dream a few years back to run 50 by 40, but I did 10 better.  The race is 10/21 and my birthday is 10/23.  How cool is that?  My little sister is going to run the last 10K with me and the emotions will definitely be running high that day...I would love to enlist other friends to run with me along the way, making it that much more special. Any volunteers? I am so blessed and truly grateful for my life.

I know few things in life are certain. But in my life?  Right know...these things are certain...  I love to run.  I love to dream. and at this point in my life... I am living those dreams through running... but my dreams go way beyond that...and I am living those out too... how many people can truly say that?