"am I there yet? am I there yet? am I there yet?"

[ENTER: IMPATIENT GIRL] 

The hardest part is behind me now...the decisions, the heartache, the stress... of divorce. of moving. of moving on.  I can see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel...and it's bright and beautiful and blinding. and I am running towards it. I am filled with its warmth, as it guides me towards the home stretch.  the moment I have been impatiently waiting for...for months. I am going *home*...to a real house, with walls. and a roof. to MY home. where MY heart is. where new memories will be made. where laughter will not be spared. where the healing begins. where the next chapter of my life will be written. I am holding a blank piece of paper and a shiny new pen, excited with all of the new thoughts swirling around in my head. What will the first words be? 

Am I there yet? As rhetorical as that question is, the answer is undoubtedly literal.  Yes.  I am. 

[EXIT: GIRL ARRIVED]

finding my way...

I moved out of my house a few weeks ago.  I am staying with a girlfriend, living out of bags and boxes in her basement.  She is so gracious, extending her gorgeous, warm and loving home to me. Despite feeling lost, I feel safe here.  I feel loved. I absolutely have missed the late-night-drinking-red-wine-girlfriend-chats that were all too common with my old roommates back in Chicago. I know it's temporary but I am making the most of the complete LACK of responsibility that I have.  With that being said, however, I am anxious to have my OWN home.  In a few weeks, I am set to close on a gorgeous little house built in 1949 in Wheat Ridge.  I'm probably the youngest person on the block by about 30 years but hey, at least I know it will be quiet.  

In the meantime, I have been continuing to hit the weight room hard - working on both upper and lower body - in hopes for a much stronger triathlon season.  Despite not running nearly as much as I want, I definitely feel solid when I do.  I have also begun regular massage again, every 2 weeks, with Todd Ackerman - a genius in his own right.  After 2 sessions with him, I am nearly pain-free.  It's 75 minutes of pure glute/hamstring torture but it is worth every ounce of pain if I can run freely and happily again!!  THANK YOU TODD!

Yesterday was a rough day.  Without going into detail, all I thought about the entire day was going out for a nice, long run when I got home.  11 miles later, I felt light, happy and refreshed...the day's stress and pain, gone.  I finally feel like I am finding my way...home...

turning 55.

It finally happened.  despite months of agony and pain in my glute and hamstring. despite having zero drive to get my ass into my running shoes and hit the pavement because the speed wasn't there to help with the emotional healing.  despite having drank 5 glasses of wine the night before and eating way too many cookies and a cupcake. I showed up at 6:30am in Huntington Beach, CA and ran the Surf City Marathon.  #55.  The weather was gorgeous.  The ocean roaring out to me, encouraging me to just soak it all in.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect morning.  EXCEPT.  my shoes were too tight.  mislabeled.  and oh-so-painful.  I have some bone structure issues that require I wear wide shoes to alleviate the pressure that unmistakably feels like tiny knife stabs when in the wrong width shoe.  At mile 16, I thought to myself - how in the HELL am I going to do this for  10 more miles.  and then I had to do it.  I had to play the game.  The Ironman game.  Ok, it's 10 miles...so, just get to the next aid station and you can walk through it...maybe stop, stretch.  Alright, keep moving, you can do anything for 9 miles...look at that sucker right there, on the OTHER side of the path, you're 6 miles ahead of him - it could be so worse, you could be right next to him with 15 miles to go and so on.  Somehow I managed to get to mile 24 where I blocked out the pain completely and played the game hard.  You can do anything for 2 miles...you can do anything for 1 mile... get out of my way bitch, I have been running right next to you this whole time, you are not outsprinting me the last 200 yards.  And after 4 hours and 15 minutes, I became a 55 time marathoner thinking about #56.

love. life. me. redefined...

So. Where do I begin?  (((deep breath...sigh))) To say my life has been difficult these past 6 months would be gravely inaccurate.  Truthfully, it has been a living hell. Upon finding out the news I was pregnant in September, one would think it would have been the most joyous time of my life.  You see, for over a year, I talked about, thought about and dreamed about the possibility of having a baby...of becoming a mom...of experiencing the truest definition of the phrase "unconditional love."  Despite the fact that I was scared shitless, and not at all convinced that I actually wanted to physically carry a baby, for a fleeting moment...the blink of an eye...a split second, I felt the purest joy. and then I remembered. My husband and I were separating.  We had already begun talking about it for a few weeks and despite struggling with the decision, we both knew this marriage had ended long ago.  However, the friendship endured and so the comfort of the beautiful life we built together was the glue that was holding everything together.  The realization that I would be a single mom not only frightened me, it horrified me.  This was not the plan. It wasn't supposed to be my destiny.  I was depressed.  I was angry.  I was sad.  Every day I would wake up happy and then reality set in.  Fuck. I'm pregnant.  I'm getting divorced.  Why. me?  Why. now?  and truthfully, I wanted to turn to the one thing I knew that would make me forget, even if it was for the briefest amount of time, 20 minutes, 3 hours, however long I could grasp onto that feeling that could me make forget.  I wanted to run.  I wanted to run hard.  I wanted to run fast.  But.  I was injured and I was pregnant.  So I walked.  I walked far.  I walked for hours.  I cried.  and cried.  and cried.  There was a heartbeat.  Something I didn't experience with my 2 prior pregnancies in 2004.  There was a fucking heartbeat. A living breathing being had chosen my body to come to life in.  And then fate intervened and I lost the baby at 7 weeks.  I wasn't sure if I should feel sadness or relief.  So I felt both.  but somehow.  every day.  I got out of bed, not knowing what my future would look like. I put both feet on the ground literally, but I was not grounded.  I struggled at work.  I didn't want to do anything anymore.  I had no drive.  No ambition.  No passion, for anything.  Who am I?  I asked myself this constantly.

Now I look back at that time and think, I was still me, just a version that I had never seen nor been before.  My friends and family stepped up to the plate.  They loved me more.  They hugged me tighter.  They made me smile bigger.  They lent me their shoulders to cry upon. They gave me courage.  They gave me strength.  They gave me hope. But most importantly, they gave me the greatest gift that I thought I would never receive.  They gave me their unconditional love.  despite my mood swings.  despite my continuous cancellation of plans.  despite my complaining and constant crying.  They gave me their unconditional love...they gave me their unconditional love.  

Our divorce is final March 7th.  D-day.  I have mixed feelings as I say goodbye to the life I have lived for the past 10 years.  To the man I have loved.  To the woman that struggled with what seemed like endless challenges.  But the universe only gives you what you can handle.  The universe knows how strong you are and it continually challenges you to make you stronger.  I come out of this experience a stronger woman.  I have a new sense of my identity.  It's more solid.  I have changed so much.  Maybe you can't see it but my confidence has grown exponentially.  I am more honest.  I say what I mean and I now mean what I say.  I stand up for my beliefs.  I call it like it is.  I have become the version of myself that I have always dreamed about being.  This was the firm push into the unknown that had been waiting in the wings.  and so now I am a feather, floating in the wind, waiting to see where I will land.  But I now know that when I land with both feet on the ground, I *will* be grounded. 

my idea of love. my dream life. my sense of me. is now ...  redefined.  I don't know what that definition entails, but I am very excited to experience this new version of me.  I know she's strong.  and I  know she's going to kick some serious ass. she's a Jensen and we Jensen's never do anything less.

Under construction.

I have been under going some serious construction lately.  In life.  at work. in my training.  So much to share, so little time.  I  need to set aside some time STAT to get  my thoughts out there before they disappear on me.  or worse.  are bull-dozered.  SO.  please stay tuned...  I promise, it will be worth the wait.

Serendipity.

I absolutely love this word.  Serendipity.  I love how it looks.  I love how it sounds.  and... I love what it means.

The occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way: "a fortunate stroke of serendipity".

I am so cliche!  I believe everything happens for a reason.  I believe you are never thrown more than you can handle.  I believe the universe truly listens to you, and gives you what you ask for, even when you don't even think you're asking for anything.  Most importantly, I believe that when you least expect it, the most amazing things happen.  You're not looking for these things.  You're not wishing for them. "It" hits you like a ton of bricks. One moment you are minding your own business and then BAM.  Serendipity.  If you're not a believer, I dare you to challenge yourself... open your mind but more importantly, open your heart. But first... you must close your eyes and simply, believe.  

Time to kiss and make up.

Reflection is a wonderful thing, but there is only so much of the past that needs to be a part of the present. Enough with the heavy shit...I'm moving on.  As we near the end of 2011, I look forward to all the gifts and life lessons that 2012 will bring me.

Physical therapy is going well and I am making huge strides in my healing. I am so grateful that I can "run" again.  I am much slower than I was a year ago, but I am ok with it.  Having gone almost 14 years without serious injury, I realize that I am truly blessed to be able to continue to do the thing I love most.  Running is cathartic.  It can be slow and soul soothing, or it can be fast and fierce, releasing anger and pain.  For now it soothes me, but I hope to be able to use it soon as an incredible outlet to release the negativity that sometimes, consumes us all.   It's also getting its two training partners back next year, the swim and the bike. We broke up this past summer,  but it would appear we're on the mend.

I have started to dial in next year's racing calendar, which will include a few marathons (and I use the term "few" loosely as I am only Six 26.2's away from the big 6-0), maybe an Oly and the mother of all triathlons, a 140.6.  There's a new kid in town and it's called the HITS Triathlon Series, which will take place in Ft. Collins.  Finally, the big guy is coming to Colorado.  I am still debating how long I want to train for it - do I go the easy route of 26 weeks or do I challenge myself with just 10?  I am always up for a good challenge, so you can imagine where this is headed.  

For now, I continue to work on strength training, weightlifting specifically - focusing on both my upper AND lower body, something I've neglected for awhile now. I've also come to experience a love/hate relationship with the stair climber aka son-of-a-bitch. But it's doing its job by strengthening my glutes, with the hopes that it will speed up my recovery process.  I will cruise through these last few days of December with a light-hearted workout regimen before getting serious in the new year.  Somehow, I will have to force my skinny ass  into the cold pool, and suck up trainer rides until the weather warms up...BUT the excitement and drive is back and I am ready to let triathlon back into my life. The break is o.v.e.r.