What the hell is Ditch the Tiara?

Redefining the word beautiful...one dirty, sweaty, bruised up mile at a time, with a few downward dogs along the way...

Monday, November 9, 2009

Fear

Some of our friends saw the latest Warren Miller film this past weekend. Andy Campell, pictured below, was competing in the XGames in Aspen, Colorado this past January. Teetering over the edge of a 60' jump... what could he possibly be thinking about? I think my eyes would be wide, panic would be all over my face and my life would be flashing before at a frantic and frightened pace. I imagine he was grinning ferociously.

He is an incredible athlete. He also paraglides, scuba dives, kayaks and mountain bikes. He seeks adventure in life and isn't afraid to try anything. He is also paralyzed from the waist down but has more zest for life and adventure than most able-bodied people. He personifies one word, FEARLESS.

I started thinking about someone like Andy, that at one time had the use of his legs and because of an accident, had that physical part of his life suddenly taken away. But somehow, it wasn't. He is physically "limited" yet possibly more active and found greater happiness in life now than before that accident. His occupation? Wheelchair Adventurer. What sets him apart from most? His attitude and oh yeah, the fact that he is fearless! He owns fear, not the other way around.

Sure I "go the distance" physically but I do it within my comfort zone. I fear failure so I play it safe. Sometimes, fear motivates me, but most often it's paralyzing. In school, I coasted along with B's and C's, not giving the extra effort becase I didn't believe in myself and didn't think I was A student material. For awhile, I did the same thing with friends and relationships. I didn't want to put too much into it, or invest my feelings too much, because I might get hurt. I was afraid to get hurt. Getting hurt = failure to me. In reality, it's quite the opposite. Through some therapy, these feelings of failure are being addressed. I am working on breaking out of the comfort zone, getting uncomfortable and just laying it out there, waiting to see what happens. It's new to me. It's highly unnerving. The ultimate test will be when I make the choice to become a mother. I am so scared I am going to fail. For so long fear has owned me and led me to many emotional failures.

When I mentioned to an old college friend that I registered for IM Florida and how incredibly bad I felt for saying that I didn't want to do another one for all the blah-blah-blah reasons I mentioned previously, she challenged me with one question. Why wouldn't you want to set yourself up for success? (It's a flat, fast course and will hopefully land me the dream time I am hoping for) Wait. What? As Oprah would say, I had an "A-HA moment."My friend was onto something. More often than not, I actually set myself up for failure. Bad habits, old patterns. COMFORT ZONE. I have let failure and fear become my safety net. Oh the irony! I want to be fearless and successful. I'm not talking about a sub 13 hour Ironman or a boston qualifying time marathon. I want to be a wonderful mother some day. I want to love freely and openly. I want to be confident. These things scare me but I want that fear to drive me, not paralyze me. In the meantime, I will continue to seek balance in life and training and find time for myself. I realize that my fears have revealed to me that I haven't yet done everything that I want to. I know I have touched on some of that through triathlon and Ironman but I see now that is a stepping stone on my life path, not the destination.

1 comment:

Go.2.Belle said...

thanks for sharing some very intimate feelings. I admire how you have grown, and continue to grow. I love you. MJD