What the hell is Ditch the Tiara?

Redefining the word beautiful...one dirty, sweaty, bruised up mile at a time, with a few downward dogs along the way...

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Keeping it real.

“Don't try too hard to fit in; you were born to stand out.”
Sounds so simple, doesn't it? It makes sense.  Why would you want to be like everybody else? Well, probably because you think being yourself is not good enough...and that if you could act like, resemble or even pretend to BE someone else (screw you Jennifer Aniston, you are so NOT the hottest woman of all time- you got nothin' on Sophia Loren!!) then people would like you more, accept you. But it's not really you that they like. And what ends up happening is that you still don't like yourself, in fact you probably like yourself less. What a sad, sad notion.  

I have become increasingly more honest in revealing my thoughts and experiences, through my writing, that I have held onto so tightly for a long time...but you know what?  I am ready to  move on.  I have been criticized for being "too" honest on my blog.  That's just me being me.  It's who I am.  It's how I got here, so I really don't give a damn what other people think.  You don't like it? Don't read it. This is MY life, let ME live it. I want to share my truths. Over 11 years ago, I was hospitalized for depression.  Yes, me. I loathed myself.  Hated who I was, who I had become. Suicide was the catalyst to my treatment.  Some amazing  women I worked with actually helped save my life.  They provided me with so many reasons to live. They told  me incredibly positive things about myself and I would look at them like they were crazy!!  I didn't believe in myself so why the hell should I believe them?!?  I couldn't relate at all to what they were saying.  Surely they were talking about someone else. But for some reason, I took a leap of faith...I believed them.

A lot of shit went down in my 20s (that I have referenced before) that I am ashamed of and have completely blocked out.  Thankfully, I have the gift of forgetting (but it sucks when I am trying to find my car keys or wallet!) and I truly am missing memories that I am reminded of when I talk to people from my past.  and you know what?  I still can't recollect those events, I guess it's my mind's way of protecting myself.  I wanted so badly to fit in with people that I had no business being friends with.  I forced relationships.  I didn't let things "be."  I tried to force my life in a direction that it wasn't meant to go in. I didn't believe in myself, therefore I couldn't BE me.  I wasn't even a reflection of the person that I am today.

I can't name a specific time or memory that slapped me so hard in the face and woke me up to the fact that I am worthy of love, self-love that is.  It was more a series of small successes that I didn't even see coming, that slowly made me believe that I was meant to stand out. Be different.  Not to have to fit in.  Somewhere along the way, I Ditched the Tiara, and settled into the person I am today.  I love myself, but I really love my flaws.  They're what make me unique.  I laugh at extremely inappropriate times...I swear WAY too much...I am a sarcastic mother fucker...I speak my mind, even when it doesn't make any sense to anyone but myself...I am addicted to the show Hoarders even though I hate clutter...I wear clothes that have stains because I am too lazy to replace them...I like Maroon Five's song -Moves Like Jagger (I know, it sucks but...)...I find that the 5pm sunlight in the car is the perfect time to pluck unsightly facial hairs that come with aging...I make up my own words that are SO dorky...I put ketchup on just about everything and I mean everything (gross, right?)...and I can go 7 days without washing my hair...and you know what?  I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks.  I am just being me.  The me that believes in myself. I want to stand out. Why?  Because it's to hard for someone like me to NOT stand out.      

9 comments:

Dee said...

I love your honesty and love you just the way you are too!!!

Mary said...

You're fucking awesome, K. I love you, too!

Lis said...

I love everything about YOU!!!

Laura said...

I am happy that you remembered me... a figment from your 20's. :)

Live your life. "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken."

xo LW

I'M Tri-ing said...

Fucking Right!

Karen said...

Wow! Your truth is amazing, Kristina. Keep on being YOU. And, finally, someone ELSE who LIKES "Moves Like Jagger" because SO DO I!

Anonymous said...

I love you, Kristina!!

RunnerChick said...

K- I had no idea the depth of your previous struggles. It's so crazy to me because I love you so much-- because you are YOU! I wouldn't want you any other day. Keep living out loud and keep keepin it real. You are amazing! XO

TarynMurtagh said...

Fan-fucking-tastic. Love the honesty. Love being true to yourself.