What the hell is Ditch the Tiara?

Redefining the word beautiful...one dirty, sweaty, bruised up mile at a time, with a few downward dogs along the way...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

love. life. me. redefined...

So. Where do I begin?  (((deep breath...sigh))) To say my life has been difficult these past 6 months would be gravely inaccurate.  Truthfully, it has been a living hell. Upon finding out the news I was pregnant in September, one would think it would have been the most joyous time of my life.  You see, for over a year, I talked about, thought about and dreamed about the possibility of having a baby...of becoming a mom...of experiencing the truest definition of the phrase "unconditional love."  Despite the fact that I was scared shitless, and not at all convinced that I actually wanted to physically carry a baby, for a fleeting moment...the blink of an eye...a split second, I felt the purest joy. and then I remembered. My husband and I were separating.  We had already begun talking about it for a few weeks and despite struggling with the decision, we both knew this marriage had ended long ago.  However, the friendship endured and so the comfort of the beautiful life we built together was the glue that was holding everything together.  The realization that I would be a single mom not only frightened me, it horrified me.  This was not the plan. It wasn't supposed to be my destiny.  I was depressed.  I was angry.  I was sad.  Every day I would wake up happy and then reality set in.  Fuck. I'm pregnant.  I'm getting divorced.  Why. me?  Why. now?  and truthfully, I wanted to turn to the one thing I knew that would make me forget, even if it was for the briefest amount of time, 20 minutes, 3 hours, however long I could grasp onto that feeling that could me make forget.  I wanted to run.  I wanted to run hard.  I wanted to run fast.  But.  I was injured and I was pregnant.  So I walked.  I walked far.  I walked for hours.  I cried.  and cried.  and cried.  There was a heartbeat.  Something I didn't experience with my 2 prior pregnancies in 2004.  There was a fucking heartbeat. A living breathing being had chosen my body to come to life in.  And then fate intervened and I lost the baby at 7 weeks.  I wasn't sure if I should feel sadness or relief.  So I felt both.  but somehow.  every day.  I got out of bed, not knowing what my future would look like. I put both feet on the ground literally, but I was not grounded.  I struggled at work.  I didn't want to do anything anymore.  I had no drive.  No ambition.  No passion, for anything.  Who am I?  I asked myself this constantly.

Now I look back at that time and think, I was still me, just a version that I had never seen nor been before.  My friends and family stepped up to the plate.  They loved me more.  They hugged me tighter.  They made me smile bigger.  They lent me their shoulders to cry upon. They gave me courage.  They gave me strength.  They gave me hope. But most importantly, they gave me the greatest gift that I thought I would never receive.  They gave me their unconditional love.  despite my mood swings.  despite my continuous cancellation of plans.  despite my complaining and constant crying.  They gave me their unconditional love...they gave me their unconditional love.  

Our divorce is final March 7th.  D-day.  I have mixed feelings as I say goodbye to the life I have lived for the past 10 years.  To the man I have loved.  To the woman that struggled with what seemed like endless challenges.  But the universe only gives you what you can handle.  The universe knows how strong you are and it continually challenges you to make you stronger.  I come out of this experience a stronger woman.  I have a new sense of my identity.  It's more solid.  I have changed so much.  Maybe you can't see it but my confidence has grown exponentially.  I am more honest.  I say what I mean and I now mean what I say.  I stand up for my beliefs.  I call it like it is.  I have become the version of myself that I have always dreamed about being.  This was the firm push into the unknown that had been waiting in the wings.  and so now I am a feather, floating in the wind, waiting to see where I will land.  But I now know that when I land with both feet on the ground, I *will* be grounded. 

my idea of love. my dream life. my sense of me. is now ...  redefined.  I don't know what that definition entails, but I am very excited to experience this new version of me.  I know she's strong.  and I  know she's going to kick some serious ass. she's a Jensen and we Jensen's never do anything less.


Amy said...

Nice job kiddo! Xoxoxoxo

Meaghan said...

Your strength and positive outlook are just two more reasons that you are an inspiration. I am sorry that you had such a difficult fall. I truly believe that life does not give us more than we can handle, and I know that you will perservere and flourish as you transition into your new life.

julie1169 said...

You are a strong woman.Life throws us so many challenges but what makes those challenges are us...we decide our fate and what we want to do with our lives. You are a wonderful woman who has achieved so much in life. You will land softly, I just know it!!!

Silver Cloud Designs said...

I had a similar experience throughout my younger life except I didn't have family to fall back on. They didn't understand what I had to deal with everyday being a single parent of an ADHD child. I just had myself but you get through it day by day. Then just when you think you can't take another moment, something nice happens to keep you going. Eventually my life changed for the better and I believe I am stronger for it. You'll get through this, I know it because you are already stronger than you were before.
You're a lovely young lady and I enjoyed meeting you.
You may not remember me but I made your silver ring.
Love from a friend who truly understands.

marne_4 said...

You have a great attitude and energy about you!!! This is merely a bump in the road and a way to change direction. You will find the next, great thing that is waiting for you. Live. Laugh. Love...........God Bless

RunnerChick said...

I am glad to see you put these feelings into print. You are brave. We all go through shit. that's life. You are strong, and your willingness to share will help others who don't know how to feel or where to turn. I love you girl. Be strong. Be true to yourself. Be yourself. XOXO

Terri said...

Ohmygod Kristina, I had no idea of the pregnancy. NO IDEA. How did I ever miss that? I feel like a jerk. I am so sorry you are dealing with all this and going thru such a hellish time. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are very strong and you WILL get through this. xo