What the hell is Ditch the Tiara?

Redefining the word beautiful...one dirty, sweaty, bruised up mile at a time, with a few downward dogs along the way...

Sunday, April 1, 2012

strength.

Throughout the past few months of trials and tribulations, there has been a recurring theme that I just can't seem to shake.  Whether I'm happy or sad, joyous or mad, I never want to lean on anyone. for anything. ever.  I have always had this "issue" if you will, of wanting to be able to do things on my own, for myself, without anyone's help.  Why?  Sometimes just to be able to say I did it all by myself. Most often though because I feel like I have been doing things for myself my whole life.  I grew up with 2 sisters and a brother and 2 very hard-working parents with full time jobs, so you can imagine that "go outside and play" or "you kids figure it out", when we were bored, were widely used phrases in my household.  And back then, there was no need for fear of your children's safety, and so from sun-up to sun-down, we were out and about in the world, exploring the different suburban neighborhoods and doing our best to stay out of trouble. or at least out of jail. 

Naturally, that theme carried on throughout my life but in various form.  Although I am a  person who wears her heart on her sleeve, I have a way of throwing up "the wall" and protecting said heart by shutting those closest to me out, despite their desperate desire to help me.  Nope.  I don't need your help.  I don't need anyone's help!  I got this.  I will figure it out. I always have.  But have I?  Very rarely, I will let my sisters in, or a close friend, but for the most part, I'm a loner hoarding my emotions and feelings.  At least the ones that are difficult to work through and process.  You know those feelings, right?  The ones that actually need to be shared.  The ones that actually need help because very obviously I haven't been able to "help" them on my own.  My heart has always been fragile.  I am best described as an overly sensitive girl, who takes on much of other's feelings, resulting in the need to be responsible for everyone else's happiness...very clearly neglecting my own.  

I am dealing with a lot of identity shit right now, having recently gone through a divorce and being on my own for the first time in over a decade.  And honestly, I have ever only lived alone for 4 months after college. The rest of my life, there was always someone else living with me. so, this is new. and exciting. and scary.  and the fact that I actually own my own home is a huge deal. And with it also comes a great deal of responsibility.  There are so many things that I don't know how to do - gardening, for instance...and there are so many things I that don't know how to fix - just about everything. You can only imagine that throwing all of this into the head of a girl, with a fragile heart and a fierce determination of doing it all on her own, creates the perfect storm for anxiety and a sense of feeling terribly lost and alone. even though I am not alone at all.  I am surrounded by the most loving friends and family that want me to lean on them. that want me to "let them in" and so for the first time in my life, I think I might give it a try...I have nothing to lose.  Perhaps I will discover that my greatest strength isn't the ability to do everything on my own...it will be the ability to ask for help, accept it and just let people in...

4 comments:

I'M Tri-ing said...

Good for you! Self discovery is as valuable as self reliance.

Christi said...

Great strength comes from asking for help. I am much like you and I have a hard time asking for help. But when I do it, it comes in spades and always makes the situation better.

I wish you the best during your self-discovery! And even though we barely know each other, I am here if you need me!

Katie L said...

Well said sweetie! The biggest strength IS asking for help! When I had Dominick I suffered from Post-partum depression something terribly. I felt like asking for help was the sign that I was somehow a weak mother (is it coincidence that we Ironman are often times DIY folks!) I finally learned that for folks like you and I, the courage to ask for help is sometimes the bravest thing in the world. Showing vulnerability is not something we are used to. However, when you finally get the strength to ask for help you realize that strength is not only defined by being strong, but by trusting in the unconditional love that surrounds you in the form of family, friends, health professionals ...and at times strangers (the right handyman goes a long way girl!) Know that you are never alone...even in you tuck yourself in with no one next to you at night all those who love you are just a phone call or mouse-click or quick drive away. Take advantage of the folks and blessings around you. Being a good person means you are surrounded by equal good. ...and there is a good chance they will return the favor someday too. ;)

RunnerChick said...

You always amaze and inspire me. You are such a beautiful person- inside and out. Trust yourself enough to share who you really are. There is nothing better than being open, honest, and truly loved and accepted for every part of who you are. Enjoy and embrace your new freedom!