What the hell is Ditch the Tiara?

Redefining the word beautiful...one dirty, sweaty, bruised up mile at a time, with a few downward dogs along the way...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

once upon a time...

...there was this girl. and she grew up, and everyone looked up to her for insight. inspiration. and guidance.  you see - she appeared to have it together.  success in love. work. fitness. education.  friendship.  or so it seemed.  from an early age, she stood out.  perhaps not for looks. or intelligence. or popularity. or leadership. BUT, there was something about this awkward blonde-haired green-eyed-free-spirited -tomboy that showed promise.  a light, in a rather dimly lit, small town. divided by a river. and in this town, as a child you were cool, or you weren't. marriage in this small town didn't end by divorce.  it ended in death.  if you moved away, it was for a job, not a dream. and if by chance, you happened to get out, in no way, shape or form, could you possibly look back and think - wow, I made the wrong choice.  it just wasn't possible. growing up in a small town outside of Chicago is nothing short of hell. well, at least for this Catholic School girl. 

where to begin? how do I possibly let the skeletons out of the closet?  isn't that taboo?  I already wear my heart on my sleeve - I have shared so much of my successes and struggles...but I haven't shared their births. Friends and family know bits and pieces.  Why do I feel compelled to share more of this now?  For so many reasons.  SO many. but the one that stands out the most, is that I want to be free of the demons that have haunted my life.

I am 12 years old.  I can't sleep.  ever.  I start in bed.  I move to the floor. then to my desk.  then I set up shop in the hallway of my very small ranch house. fan blowing down from the kitchen in a feeble attempt to cool down the bedrooms. I sit up-right, leaning on a beautifully home-made oversized pillow that one of "the Aunts" made me for Christmas in my door frame. looking for comfort in the sound of the fan blowing in the hallway. I try to drift off into slumber.  but I can't. my mind won't stop screaming. in technicolor noise.  this makes no sense to me.  but I cope.  until one day I don't. and I try to commit suicide. and that fails. and I am 12.  and I can't sleep.  and I can't die.  what the hell do I do? and off to high school I go. scared.  helpless. feeling like an outcast.

and I continue to desperately to try and fit in. I am not pretty. or popular. or a gifted athlete. but I am funny. and I use that to gain popularity. but one day, during junior year, I read an issue of Cosmopolitan and my life is forever changed. and then, I miraculously get elected Senior Class President. and I finally feel like I fit in.  even if for a brief moment. and then I break up with my HS sweetheart and head off to college. on a full scholarship. as in FULL RIDE.  Me.  the girl who got detentions and D's. and life is hard.  college SUCKS. I am not pretty. or popular. or a gifted athlete. so I drink. and drink. and drink. and gain 35lbs. and lose all self respect. and abuse my body. and abuse my soul. and that girl, that funny, loving, sweet girl is gone. and she is replaced by a self-loathing, self-hating, unlovable girl. and my 20s are more of the same. looking for love in all the wrong places. and I am sparing my parents when I say that I was abusive to my body and soul. downright cruel as to the things I did, said, drank. 

and then came "Jeremy" and yes, that is the piece of shit devil's name of a boyfriend I dated and lived with, that emotionally abused me. I let him reduce me to the worth of a piece of nothing. I lost any remaining piece of goodness I felt for myself. and when he broke up with me, and moved out, I wanted to die. and tried to kill myself. again.  and my friends and co-workers stepped up to the plate and took my life in their hands. literally. I left work indefinitely.  went into a partial hospitalization program for depression, where I rehabilitated and healed. and then jumped right back into life, thinking I was ok.  met my (ex)husband, and just 4 months later was engaged. to be married.  to what could only be described as a complete stranger. and you know, I really never was ok. I never healed. 

12 years later. here I am. divorced. on my own, for the first time ever really. Cosmo magazine article still haunting my every day. still unable to sleep. still experiencing the same technicolor screaming in my head. only louder. and brighter. but I am alive. breathing. looking for hope. wanting to be happy but still not really feeling deserving of it. desperately wanting to fit in with society. but standing out in my own way. I did not ask to be born with these challenges. and I KNOW it could be worse, of course.  but this is my story.  this is my reality. this is my life. and I fight so hard to live it. to find peace and joy and happiness with each day that blesses me.  somehow, I manage to wake up, get out of bed and face the world. with a smile.  and so the story continues...

...and once upon another time, there is this girl. and she is hoping to meet a boy...and she is trying so hard not to not make the same mistakes...she is still this awkward blonde-haired green-eyed-free-spirited-tomboy who just wants to be happy. and struggling to figure out how. I wonder how *this* story will end...but like all things in life, only time will tell...

3 comments:

RunnerChick said...

Thank you for sharing a bit of your soul. You are brave. You are beautiful, inside and out. I love you!

michelle.belle. said...

oh sis. I know so much, yet I know so little. I don't have your courage to share, but we have so many parallels, and never knew. You know I wish you nothing but the most wonderful, loving, beautiful life ever. I will support you in any ways - all ways - that I can. xo

Christi said...

Thanks for sharing. I understand where you are coming from because I battle many demons myself. I never feel worthy of the love that is given to me. But you know we should. I hope we can both find the peace we need.

Here if you ever need to chat...