What the hell is Ditch the Tiara?

Redefining the word beautiful...one dirty, sweaty, bruised up mile at a time, with a few downward dogs along the way...

Monday, August 6, 2012

Race report? or revelation.

I have had some serious time to think about the Estes Park marathon, which I ran back on June 17th.  So much happened during those 26.2 miles that I wasn't sure how to convey it .  It is absolutely the hardest marathon in my lineup and this year, it was the most self-discovering.

Still running injured, I knew it would be a tough day.  With every foot strike, the pain increased in my glutes and hamstrings and I began to struggle early on. physically...But what I didn't realize is how much I would begin to heal emotionally.  It was as if with each mile behind me, each bad memory, hurtful experience and fear faded.  I think it was symbolic that I began to slow down as I got further into the race, and was able to really start soaking in my surroundings and the beauty of it all...and I stopped caring about my finish time. I was also settling in with the pain and despite it, kept pushing myself on to the finish line, slower than ever. It became clear to me that I didn't take this kind of time for my thoughts OR myself during the divorce or afterwards. I tried to push away the fear and pain, and speed through the process. I filled my time with anything and anyone so that I wouldn't have to face my demons.  I began to realize late in the race that I didn't want to do that anymore.  I didn't need or want to be in a relationship with anyone except for, well, myself... a feeling I hadn't met up with yet.  

and now?  I am absolutely loving the life I have built for myself.  I am no longer afraid of living OR being alone.  I don't need someone to make me feel better or lift me up.  I enjoy my quiet time.  I love doing things for myself that I've never done before - like figuring out how to put together a shop vac or using a lawn mower. Boring, mundane tasks, I know, but you can't even begin to imagine how important this has been for ME to do it.  I come and go as I please and have no one to answer to, or check in with. I love it! and I don't want someone to take care of me...at least not for now.  I am more focused and driven than I have ever been in my entire life. and dating? It's not a priority and I am definitely going to take my time getting to know someone, as well as myself in a relationship. No need to rush that process too...

Circling back to the marathon..despite wanting to stop and cry and feel sorry for myself, I kept running, I kept moving forward, I drew on the strength that I had within.  It was a revelation that I also needed to do this for myself, for my life... except instead of running away FROM it, I needed to run TOWARDS it... and I have, and I haven't looked back since that race...and I have never been so happy in my whole entire life.  

1 comment:

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