What the hell is Ditch the Tiara?

Redefining the word beautiful...one dirty, sweaty, bruised up mile at a time, with a few downward dogs along the way...

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Brought back to life.


I FINALLY feel like I can breathe again.  For awhile there (this spring) I felt incredibly dead inside.worse than last year I think. utterly hopeless. A long while. No longer making wishes.  Not having dreams or goals. Despite having loving friends and family, I felt so alone. and desperate. During my divorce, my therapist told me it would take about 2 years to feel whole again and that I shouldn't date for at LEAST a year.  15 months later and I am starting to feel like the pieces of "me" are being put back together. Much like a puzzle that has been  scattered about the floor, I am being found here and there and I'm figuring out how to reassemble myself, piece by piece, slowly over time.  and the whole dating thing?  She was so right!  I had no business dating and I finally, finally, finally realize that now.  I wasn't ready but I was so afraid of being alone.  I had always been that girl with a boyfriend (or husband) and the thought of being on my own was always so scary.  Even living alone sucked.  I absolutely HATED it. But now? It's absolutely crazy (and foreign to me) but the idea of being in a relationship actually feels like someone is choking me.  My stomach tightens up and my breathing becomes shallow...I jump ahead and think about sharing my space and telling someone where I'm going or when I'll be home and my jaw tightens.  and that means only one thing to me.  I'm not ready.  (but that doesn't mean a cute boy can't take me out every now and again, I mean...DUH! a woman has needs...sorry Ma!) BUT...I'm happy with myself.  I like myself. I actually love myself. I am OK.  I am breathing again.  I enjoy my life as it is.  and I am NOT alone.  For now, my friends and family are more than enough.  *I* am enough.  and I am the one that is supposed to finish putting the puzzle back together.  not a boyfriend or husband.  Through therapy, an immense amount of self-work, ok - maybe some (good) meds, and a HUGE support system, I have been brought back to life. and I am wishing and hoping and dreaming again.  great, big, magical dreams...


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