What the hell is Ditch the Tiara?

Redefining the word beautiful...one dirty, sweaty, bruised up mile at a time, with a few downward dogs along the way...

Monday, March 21, 2016

\ˈlə-və-bəl\

The last eight months have been...well...they've just been. Ok, ok, you don't do vague.  So it's been ...a scary ass roller coaster ride on a broken down track?  A town leveling tornado? Or quite plainly, a surreal series of unbelievable events. And I am not sure exactly what happened to me, or better yet, what moment in time that sparked the change that catapulted me to get to today's state of mind, but I am so happy to admit that my past is behind me. Finally.  For real. I swear. and I MEAN IT. The past is in the past. Every trial, struggle, obstacle and nightmarish life event that has shaped me into the glittery, happy girl I am today is once and for all, a part of the process of who I have become, and no longer a part of who I am.  It may not seem like that there is much difference in that extremely long run-on sentence, but I assure you, the difference couldn't be more apparent.  Especially if you were to spend time with me.  Hell, I actually enjoy spending time with M Y S E L F.  I no longer do things to avoid life, my life.  I have stopped using "ironman training" as an excuse to ignore my problems, and deflect from developing (and nurturing) relationships with people who want to love me simply because... I spend time only with people who make me want to bring the best version of me forward, and that have qualities and traits that I respect and admire, and work towards obtaining for myself. I pray. I read the bible. I do unassisted chin-ups and pull-ups.  I go to work without make-up. The list goes on. These may seem like simple, mundane, ordinary things... but I assure you, to someone like me, who has lived almost her entire life with an undiagnosed emotional personality disorder, leaving her feeling so UNLOVABLE and different? Yeah, those things are all really extraordinary. I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing it is to finally feel.......................................normal.

[QUICK SIDE NOTE: Honestly? I am totally OK with never doing another ironman again. Seriously. I love my free time and freedom from commitment.  But.  I still have some unfinished business in CdA, and with just five months to prepare, I really do need to light a fire under my booty. I have yet to swim since last October, and have only gotten in a handful of bike rides. Writing has always been the one thing that I could count on to spark my inspiration.  and so here I am, back ditching the tiara.]  

Ok. back to lovable.  What is that exactly?! That is a word that fell so short of ever being in my dictionary, let alone everyday vocabulary. But through my journey to get from the horrible to the happy, I can only say this. I have discovered that I am indeed. most undoubtedly. truly...  

lovable

adjective  lov·able  \ˈlə-və-bəl\
As defined by Merriam-Webster:
easy to love : having attractive or appealing qualities

As previously defined by me
someone that is pretty on the outside, as well as inside : someone that is perfect and never unhappy with who they are : NOT ME

As presently defined by me
someone that is capable of looking in the mirror, and able to acknowledge all of the scars, flaws and imperfections, and recognize and appreciate the real beauty that is staring back : ME    

How did I become lovable?  Or perhaps the question should really be, how did I finally realize that I have always been lovable? Well. That story my friend, is better served to be written over a glass of wine (or perhaps two), and not just a cup of coffee...but I do promise to share with you my incredible journey to this personal victory, and all of the reasons why I now feel like I finally deserve to wear my tiara...and why I want to share this with you, so that you too, are able to consistently look in the mirror, smile wide and see all of the reasons that the world finds YOU \ˈlə-və-bəl\! 

1 comment:

trimom.rn said...

Hot damn, sister!! Even though I've known you for years, but only through FB and phone calls, I could have told you that you are LOVABLE!!! But this is something a million people can tell you but YOU have to see what WE see before you can know this for a fact!! Happy to see you're finally realizing what the masses have known for years!! ❤️����